Untitled

Something tells me we’re gonna have a Lou Reed Christmas this time around.

If all the holidays of Christmas past are any indication of what’s to come – you would be wise to expect a Lou Reed Christmas towards the end of the year come this December.

When the kids are protesting on Wall Street… 

When the unemployment lines stretch around the corner…

When they’re foreclosing on your Father’s home…

When your girlfriend lives in Brooklyn and she’s left you all alone…

When you’re forced to sit face to face with your Mother’s boyfriend and have awkward conversations…

When you have to work two part time jobs to pay the rent and you have to work on Thanksgiving…

When it snowstorms in October and you go to see a Rutgers football game with your Dad…

When you don’t even wear a costume for Halloween but you get to see the last three floats from the Halloween Parade float by…

When you no longer believe in Santa Claus or Reindeer who can fly…

When you could care less about Jesus and religion and spirituality and all you want is the toys…

When being forced to spend time with your family means that you get to showcase your jaded and cynical sense of humor by delivering dry one liners around the Christmas tree to help stay warm…

When you’re too cold to feel anything or experience anything of substance except for what you write in your diary where no one can judge you but no one will ever read or hear…

When being a grown up means you have to buy presents for other people and share the holidays with people you hardly know anymore…

But things could be worse…

You could be having a Charles Dickens Ebenezer Scrooge kind of Christmas…

At least having a Lou Reed Christmas means you’ll get to play your guitar…

Even if the technology moves so fast now-a-days it feels like it’s impossible to catch up, you’ll still get excited when you buy yourself a new Smart phone so you can surf the web while you’re driving your car…

You’ll still look forward to buying for yourself the 10 CD’s on your Christmas list that no one else will get for you…

You’ll look forward to finishing the 10 different novels that you’re reading at once…

It’s the little things that will make you happy this year and bring a smile to your face…

For Lou Reed Christmases are a lot like Charles Bukowski Christmases…

Sure you’re perverted and cynical; sure you’re a dirty old man, but somewhere deep down inside of you is a bluebird that is singing…

Somewhere deep down inside of you you are sincere and genuine and reflective and profound…

Even when the light at the end of the tunnel seems so far away that you can’t hardly see it anymore, you can only faintly make it out, and even then you’re not sure if your mind is playing tricks on you or if you’re just seeing a mirage…

Your cleverness will save you.

Your wit will keep you afloat. 

William Shakespeare and Edgar Allan Poe and Langston Hughes will come to your aid.

For even the grimmest Lou Reed song recorded still holds a tiny trickle of hope, even if it’s just an afterthought or an outline or a naked skeleton or corpse… 

Yes, life just might be worth clinging onto – it’s gonna be a Lou Reed Christmas this year again.

And if that’s still not enough to keep you from drowning – just wait ‘til we have our Johnny Cash New Year.

Same shit different toilet.

So Feliz Navidad, Gung hey fat choy, and Feliz Cumpleanos Jesu Christo.

May the best of your todays be the worst of your tomorrows.

And don’t forget to wear your scarf.

You mustn’t cry over spilt milk.

But what if it is chocolate milk?

What sayst you then?

What if you had carefully poured a tall glass of milk from the gallon,
keeping a steady hand, and then carefully squirted just the right amount of syrup from the Hershey’s container, and then mixed it all together very carefully as you stirred the drink with your spoon?

What if you had carefully calculated just when to sit down with your beverage during your meal so that it would hit the spot just right?

What if before you had created your chocolately beverage you had carefully cooked two eggs over-easy, four pieces of pork roll, and then melted two pieces of American cheese onto the eggs?

What if you then carefully buttered two pieces of toast, loaded each one with a slice of porkroll and then the perfectly cooked cheesy eggs and then adorned both pieces with salt, pepper, and just the perfect amount of ketchup.

What if you poured yourself a tall glass of orange juice and sat down on the couch to consume your late breakfast while watching your favorite program on TV?

What if upon swallowing the last morsels of food and smacking your lips together you thought to yourself, “you know what would really seal the deal?  Two pieces of cinnamon toast and a glass of chocolate milk…”?

What if you made the toast, made the chocolate milk, took one sip of your drink, enjoyed both pieces of toast and then proceeded to accidentally knock over the beverage you had so carefully slaved over onto the hardwood floor and the glass coffee table and splattered some droplets onto the nearby adjoining easy chair?

Is it OK to cry then?

Is it OK to yell profanities at the top of your lungs or pull your hair out or mourn the loss of your beverage like your favorite living relative who accidentally got run over by a truck?

What, in short, do you do?

I’ll tell you what you do my friends.

You grab some paper towels, sop up your mess, and you make yourself another glass of chocolate milk.

Because you mustn’t cry over spilt milk.

And that goes for strawberry, vanilla, chocolate, almond, goat, lactose-free, and 2%.

Welcome to our humble abode
where we season our meat with Adobo.
You will not find a flop in this house,
nor will you find a hobo.

We hope you will enjoy your stay,
we hope the fun won’t stop.
Feel free to flip whatever you want,
but whatever you do, don’t flop.

Feel free to flip through channels
on our television screen.
Feel free to flip your eggs and ham
as soon as they turn green.

Feel free to flip your pillow over,
when one side gets too hot.
Feel free to flip us a few extra bucks,
but you may not
under ANY circumstances,
no matter how tempting it may be,
choose to be a flop.

You may wear V-necks, Guinnea T’s,
spagetti straps and tank tops.
Feel free to wear your thongs or sandals,
but please do not wear flip flops.

We hope you will not take offense
to our rules and code of conduct.
You understand this is no home
for junkies, thieves, or convicts.

Feel free to bring your wife and kids,
your mistress or your spouse.
But don’t flop on the bathroom floor,
the sofa, or the couch.

Do not flop on the furniture,
do not act like a louse,
Do not flop like “The Producers”
We do not run a flop house.

The greatest love the world has ever known is the only love the world has ever known.

All men are not created equal – except for the one thing that ties us to each other:

Our capacity to love each other as much as our hearts will allow.

It doesn’t matter what money can buy

It doesn’t matter how much our bodies can satisfy

The only thing that matters is that we try.

I cannot love you more or less than anyone else can.  I can only love you the same.

I may not be able to please you or satisfy you the way that someone else can, but love to them is only a game.

I do not feel things more deeply than you do.  We all feel things the same.

Love feels the same for everyone.  Love is not subjective.  Love is the only feeling the world has ever known.  Love is what got us here in the first place.  Love is what makes us feel at home.

We can try our best to be selfish.  We can try our best to hate.  We can try our best to rape, and kill, and murder, but still love will prevail. 

It will be the same love that got this ball rolling.  It will be the same love that started the world.

It will be the same love that caveman husbands felt for their caveman wives. 

It will be the same love that was passed down throughout the ages from the ancient Babylonians to the ancient Egyptians to the Jews of Jerusalem, to the Romans and the Greeks, through the Dark and Middle Ages, to the Renaissance and beyond. 

It will be the same love that the Eskimos and the Native Americans felt in Australia and China and Africa and Asia and Europe and that the Vikings and the Pilgrims felt and that Napoleon Bonaparte and Christopher Columbus and Ganges Khan and people felt throughout the History of the World.  

It will be the same love that Romeo had for Juliet.  It will be the same love that Jesus had for us all when he was dying on the cross.  It will be the same love that anyone had for anyone else anywhere at any point in time.

Love is the only thing that really matters – but no one really talks of love.  We don’t teach love in our schools, we don’t become employed to learn how to love.

We worship only capitalism and materialism and corporate greed and the American Dream.

Not even the churches and the temples and the preachers speak of love.

The only God we pray to is the one that’s on the Almighty Dollar – “In God we Trust.”

But even love becomes commercialized.  Even love becomes manufactured and packaged and sold by Hallmark Cards and Hollywood entrepreneurs. 

Some writers and poets and singers still try to peddle “true love” and sell it to the public, and they do it not to make a buck, but to remind everyone else of why we’re still here.  At some point their intentions are pure, their efforts are genuine and sincere and their attempts and motives are moral and noble and just.

But at some point even the most noble of intentions are not safe from corruption.  At some point the serpent still rears his ugly head. 

The trouble with love is not that it isn’t perfect or that it doesn’t really exist, it’s only that it doesn’t last very long or long enough or as long as we’d like it to.

The myth that Hollywood sells us is that “true love lasts forever,” and “true love conquers all.”

But true love is not immortal; in fact true love is not true love at all unless it grows and changes and eventually fades away and withers and dies. 

True love only ever really lasts for an instant.

For a moment while it’s here the tiniest spark, the tiniest trace of it is enough to illuminate and light up and blow up the entire world.

Then it will slowly fade and then disappear, and we will try to bring it back but it will never be quite the same ever again until we learn to love again and love somebody new.  And then that love will be reborn, and it will keep the world spinning round.

And it will be the same love that God felt in the beginning.  It will be the same love that I felt for you the first time we met.

It will feel exactly the same for me as it did for anyone that has ever been born, lived, or died.

It will feel exactly the same for me as it feels for you and your mom and the girl next door.

It will be the love that God felt in the beginning.

It will be the greatest love ever experienced by anyone who has ever been alive.

It will be the only love the world has ever known.

INT. SAM PEWTSCHMILLER’S BEDROOM — DAYTIME

It is summer. Anthony Kiedis, Sam Pewtschmiller, Jimmy
Zucchini, and Max Pewtschmiller are sitting in Sam’s Bedroom
smoking pot and drinking beer, listening to a mix CD Sam
made with “Hey Joe” on it. Currently “Hey Joe” is playing.

ANTHONY KIEDIS
Can you turn up the track a little
bit please?

SAM
I love smoking pot.

JIMMY
I love smoking weed.

MAX
This is a sausage fest.

ANTHONY KIEDIS
What are we doing here? We should
be out rocking the world and
spreading our message of love and
music…

SAM
We’re too busy getting stoned.
Can’t you see that?

ANTHONY KIEDIS
Speak for yourself…Drugs and
alcohol are nothing but a dead end
road that leads to a downward
spiral of death and destruction,
and that sort of thing’s not my
bag, baby. You’re all like, “Judas
Priest, Iron Maiden, and Def
Leppard, yeah, Slayer, rock on…”
and I’m over here saying “Yes, but
what about Jimi Hendrix, Pink Floyd
and the Grateful Dead…”

SAM
I think you confuse my wanting to
get high with wanting other people
to die.

MAX
We need to get some groupie bitches
over here so we can get laid.

JIMMY
I’m all for that. But no chicks
that are addicted to coke, crack,
heroin, or crystal meth.

ANTHONY KIEDIS
Do you guys know what makes this
moment different from every other
moment that has already gone by in
our fleeting lives?

SAM
What?

MAX
Nothing, probably.

ANTHONY KIEDIS
You guys are wrong. What makes this
moment different is that it’s
happening right now. We’re in the
present. And with each passing
second the present slips into the
past and the future slips into the
present. Don’t you guys want to
feel like you’re alive?

JIMMY
Hell yeah!

SAM
So what do you propose we do,
Anthony?

ANTHONY KIEDIS
We throw a party.

SAM
A party? That’s your deep,
philosophical answer to how we’re
supposed to feel alive?

ANTHONY KIEDIS
A party is the perfect setting for
life to unfold in front of you like
a piece of poetry…

SAM
This is coming from the guy who
wrote the song “Party on Your
Pussy” on the album “Uplift Mofo
Party Plan.” I can’t say that I’m
surprised.

ANTHONY KIEDIS
C’mon, guys… What do you say?
It’ll be fun…

JIMMY
I think a party sounds like a
pretty good idea, actually.

SAM
Of course you’d say that, Jimmy,
it’s not your ass that’s on the
line here. Max and I risk getting
our asses beat if our parents find
out about it.

JIMMY
Yeah right, Sam. You and I both
know that your parents will never
find out about it since they’ll be
gone for the entire week, and even
if they did, you know that they’d
never get that mad about it. I mean
do you actually think they expect
us to behave like church mice while
they’re away? We’re STUN SEED CUS
for crying out loud! It’s
understood that we’re gonna throw a
few jammies!

MAX
I don’t know, the last time we had
a few people over Mom and Dad got
pretty pissed. And that was just a
few people, not even a real party.
Why can’t we throw a party at your
house, Jimbo?

JIMMY
Are you kidding me? You know my Mom
is ten times more strict than your
parents. Plus I doubt she’s even
planning on leaving the house
anytime soon unless it’s to go to
the supermarket to pick up some
groceries.

SAM
Alright, fine, we’ll do it.

JIMMY
Yes!

SAM
On one condition…

JIMMY
Whatever you say man. Name your
price.

SAM
You and Max gotta help me clean up
before my Mom and Dad get home on
Saturday.

JIMMY
No problem, man. You got it.

ANTHONY KIEDIS
Alright! This is going to be
bitchin. Make sure you guys call up
a bunch of high school girls so I
can get some underage poontang.

SAM
That shouldn’t be too hard for you
either, Anthony. All you’d have to
do is sing a verse from “Under the
Bridge” and they’ll probably start
cumming in their pants.

MAX
Yeah. I know that’s what happens to
me every time I hear you sing that
song.

ANTHONY KIEDIS
Is that so…

JIMMY
This is going to be awesome! After
tonight, I don’t see any reason why
we won’t all be able to score some
18-year-old poontang.

MAX
Party on.

SAM
Rock on.

ANTHONY KIEDIS
Let’s do this.

JIMMY
Consider it done.

INT. SAM PEWTSCHMILLER’S LIVING ROOM — NIGHTTIME

The party is in full-fledge. There’s rap music playing, kids
are smoking pot, there are balloons floating on the ceiling,
there’s a keg in the corner of the room, and a few tables
set up for beer pong and flip-cup. Everyone is talking so
that there is a general buzz or hum to the room, so that you
almost have to shout in order to be heard. A few kids are
snorting lines of coke on the coffee table, and other kids
are outside hot-boxing their cars. Jimmy Zucchini is sitting
next to Amy Drury with an acoustic guitar next to him,
having a very pleasant conversation.

AMY
So how did you guys get Anthony
Kiedis to come here?

JIMMY
I just sent him a message on
myspace and asked him if he’d come
jam out with our band, to help give
us some direction and some pointers
and stuff, and sure enough he sent
me a message not too long after
saying he’d be in town for a few
weeks and that he’d love to come
hang out with us for a few days.

AMY
Wow! That’s so cool! He sounds like
a really cool guy.

JIMMY
He’s the best. It was his idea for
us to throw this party.

AMY
Really?

JIMMY
Yeah.

AMY
That’s so cool. So what kind of
advice has he given your band so
far?

JIMMY
Well, basically he thinks that we
should stay away from drugs and
alcohol, but ironically he seems to
be all for throwing a party in the
hopes that other people will come
and get wasted and he’ll be able to
live through them vicariously. He’s
really into Buddhism and Hindu
forms of meditation.

AMY
I see. So that’s why you’re not
drinking tonight or getting high
with the rest of these party
animals…

JIMMY
You got it.

AMY
But what about Sam?

Jimmy and Amy both look in Sam’s direction to see him
without a shirt on, doing a keg stand while a bunch of
people stand by cheering him on and chanting his name.

JIMMY
Well, Sam’s sort of…well…Sam.
It’s going to take more than just
advice from Anthony Kiedis to get
him to stop drinking. Plus it’s
kind of his role to play the crazy
bass player. As the lead vocalist
and lead guitarist it’s more of my
role to be the well-balanced, down
to earth front man. I write all the
songs and coordinate and organize
most of our gigs, so it makes sense
for me to stay sober.

AMY
Wow. I never realized how dedicated
you are to your craft. That’s a
really interesting approach to rock
’n’ roll. So… are you gonna play
me a song on that thing or am I
gonna have to keep complimenting
you all night until I can finally
hear some real music?

JIMMY
Is that the beer talking or is that
really you asking me to play?

AMY
Drunken words are sober thoughts.

JIMMY
Touché. Well, alright, since you
asked nicely and you complimented
my dedication to my craft I suppose
I owe you a song or two.

AMY
That’s an understatement.

JIMMY
OK. (starts strumming some chords)
This song I wrote with a couple of
friends of mine when we were
sitting around drinking some beers.
It’s called “The Mayo Song.”
(sings) “I used to do coke, but
then I was broke, and I was a joke,
so now I just smoke. I used to do
blow, till I had no dough, and out
went my ho, right out the door. So
hey yo, say no way to yayo, hey yo,
I’d rather sniff mayonnaise. Cus
mayo is white like yayo, but you
don’t get stuck with the
mayonnaise. Hey yo say no way to
yayo, hell no, I’d rather sniff
mayonnaise. It’ll get you blazed.
In a purple haze. For days, and
days, and days, and days, and days
and days and days. Like a bag of
Lay’s.”

AMY
(claps) That was awesome! That was
really good!

JIMMY
You ain’t seen nothin yet. You
wanna hear one more?

AMY
Sure.

JIMMY
OK, get ready, cus this one’s a
little bit more hardcore than that.
It’s a rap I wrote in creative
writing called “Ode to Columbine.”
(starts playing the guitar) And it
goes a little something like
this…”So kid walks down the
hallway/Gets mad because he’s
called “gay”/Then thinks to
himself, “One day, I’ll make them
all pay!”/He’s pissed off/his
dick’s soft/He’s feelin suicidal/
His dad says, “Stop acting like a
bitch and take some Midol.”/
He cried all/night long/and made
himself a hit-list/A fucked up
wish-list/but it ain’t for
Christmas/So this bitch/goes
downstairs to open the cellar/
Finds a gun by some nails and a
broken propeller/But let me tell ya
bout this fella/You can’t
understand/all the power that he
feels with the gun inside his hand/
And his man always tells him that
he has to take a stand/So he makes
himself a plan/as he’s sittin on
the can/He thinks, “Damn man/if
only I was cool/I wouldn’t have to
be the laughing stock of the
school./But I wonder, would I be
still be very funny/when I get
inside the school and fuckin kill
everybody!?!?!”/And his buddy says,
“OK, I’ll do it with you, too./
Nobody likes me, and I don’t know
what to do./I wanna kill myself but
first let’s have some fun./We’ll
each build a couple of bombs and
bring a gun.”/”Aright friend, let’s
get crazy and get our hype on/
We’ll find a website on/how to
build a pipe-bomb./Warn all your
friends, tell your brother not to
show up/unless they wanna come and
see this mother fucker blow up!”

AMY
Wow! That was amazing! You’ve got
some real talent there! I actually
got the chills when you said that
last part.

JIMMY
Keep in mind I’m not advocating the
violence.

AMY
No, I think I got that.

JIMMY
I’m merely telling the story of
what happened as seen through the
eyes of the killers.

AMY
What a cool idea. I think you guys
should record it and get it played
on the radio.

JIMMY
Well I don’t know that they’d go
for such a blatantly violent song
what with the curses and all, but
I’m really glad that you liked it.
I’ll talk to the guys, I mean who
knows, maybe we can record it and
turn it into an indie hit or
something, like an underground
classic.

AMY
You gonna play me another one?

JIMMY
I’d better save my voice for the
show we’re doing next week. You
gonna come?

AMY
Sure, I’d love to! Just tell me
when and where and I’m there!

JIMMY
No problem. I’ll make sure to send
you an e-mail with all the
information. You’re gonna be blown
away when you hear how good it
sounds with the full band backing
me up. We have this one song
called, “Cus Against Them,” I think
you’d really like it.

AMY
What’s the name of your band?

JIMMY
STUN SEED CUS.

AMY
STUN SEED CUS? What the heck does
that mean?

JIMMY
It’s just something that me and Sam
came up with. It turns into “SUC
DEES NUTS” when you spell it
backwards.

AMY
I’m gonna go get some more beer.
Stay right here I wanna hear more
about your band when I get back.

JIMMY
OK.

Amy gets up from the couch and starts walking away, as soon
as she’s out of sight Anthony Kiedis comes and sits down
next to Jimmy.

ANTHONY
I see you were talking to Amy…

JIMMY
Yeah.

ANTHONY
She’s a really pretty girl you
know.

JIMMY
I know.

ANTHONY
Well I don’t know what your
situation with your girl is like…
You do have a girlfriend, don’t
you?

JIMMY
Yeah. Her name is Michelle.

ANTHONY
OK. Well I don’t know what your
situation with Michelle is like,
but if I were you, I wouldn’t let a
girl like Amy slip through my
fingers or slide through my hands,
you catch my drift?

JIMMY
I think I know what you’re saying.

ANTHONY
I get the feeling that no matter
what I say to you right now it’s
just gonna go right into one ear
and out of the other.

JIMMY
Why do you say that?

ANTHONY
Because Sam tells me that you’re
really into this girl Michelle and
that you let her treat you like
crap. Is that true?

JIMMY
Well, I wouldn’t put it like that
exactly…

ANTHONY
Do you love Michelle or do you just
love having sex with her?

JIMMY
I love her.

ANTHONY
You say that like you’re unsure. If
you have to hesitate before you
answer than that means that the
answer is “No.” Listen kiddo, take
it from me. I’ve been in all kinds
of relationships with all kinds of
girls and if what I’m hearing from
Sam is the truth than this girl
Michelle is really not for you.
What does your heart tell you?

JIMMY
I don’t know. I think I’m scared of
change or at least what might
happen if I break up with Michelle
and then Amy just wants to be
friends with me.

ANTHONY
Well, you have to do what’s right
for you. I’m not gonna twist your
arm and tell you you should dump
your girlfriend, but if there’s
some words of wisdom I can impart
to you coming from years of
experience in dealing with women,
it’s what Flea said the Butthole
Surfers said on the album “One Hot
Minute.” “It’s better to regret
something you did than something
you didn’t do.”

JIMMY
Wow. Thanks, Anthony. You’ve given
me a lot to think about.

ANTHONY
No problem, kiddo. You’ll figure it
out. Just follow your heart. Now I
gotta go find me some poontang.

JIMMY
Good luck!

Just then Amy sits back down with a red plastic cup full of
beer.

AMY
Were you just talking to Anthony
Kiedis?

JIMMY
Yeah, he just gave me some really
good advice.

AMY
What was that?

JIMMY
Well, he said…

Just then Michelle enters the room and spots Jimmy talking
to Amy. Jimmy notices her immediately and gets up from the
couch to give her a hug.

JIMMY
Michelle! Glad you could make it! I
was just talking to Amy about…

MICHELLE
Um, Jimmy… Can I talk to you over
here for a minute please?

JIMMY
Sure, babe. What’s up?

MICHELLE
What are you doing talking to that
slut? I thought I told you I don’t
like you talking to her!

JIMMY
But babe, I told you, Amy and I are
just friends…

MICHELLE
Just promise me that you won’t talk
to her for the rest of the night
unless I’m sitting next to you.

JIMMY
But babe, I don’t really think
that’s fair…

MICHELLE
Promise me or else you and I are
finished!

JIMMY
OK, calm down. I promise. You know
how much I love you, don’t you,
babe?

MICHELLE
Just as long as you don’t talk to
that slut…

JIMMY
Fine. Oh, babe I’m so glad you’re
finally here! You gotta come with
me. I want to introduce you to
Anthony Kiedis…

Stan and Brendan, two captains on the varsity
lacrosse team, are standing around the keg drinking some
beer, obviously a little smashed, but still talking
logically, sensibly, rationally, none-the-less.

BRENDAN
I don’t get it man, don’t you get
tired of having sex with the same
girl every time?

STAN
No way man. That’s like saying,
“Don’t you get tired of smoking
weed all the time…”

BRENDAN
But that’s where you’re wrong,
buddy. There’s all different kinds
of weed out there. There’s
blueberry chronic, raspberry
chronic, purple haze, white widow,
chocolate, not to mention headies,
middies, and just plain ’ole kind
bud.

STAN
That’s why there’s different
positions.

INT. SAM PEWTSCHMILLER’S KITCHEN — NIGHTTIME

A bunch of people are in the kitchen talking and drinking
beer out of plastic cups, including one couple that’s
standing in the corner making out, and Sam’s two cats
Captain Jack and Sid Vicious who are making a pretty big
mess knocking over their bowls of food and water.

SAM
Damn, I got the munchies like a
mother fucker! Anyone seen Jimmy?

MAX
I think I saw him going outside
with Michelle. I think he was
looking for Anthony.

SAM
Michelle’s here? Who the hell
invited her?

MAX
Who the hell do you think?

Amy enters the kitchen.

AMY
Hey Sam, I just wanted to say
thanks for inviting me. This is a
really great party.

SAM
No problem. You want something to
eat? I was just about to make
myself a sandwich.

AMY
Sure, that sounds great.

MAX
So how are things with you and your
boyfriend, Amy?

AMY
You mean Kenneth? Kenneth and I
broke up.

MAX
Why? Weren’t you guys going out for
a while?

AMY
Yeah, we dated on and off for like
two years. Things just got really
out of control. He was into
hardcore drugs like heroin and
crystal meth, and he actually hit
me a couple of times.

SAM
Hey Amy, do you want mustard or
mayo on your sandwich?

AMY
Can you do mustard on one half and
mayo on the other?

SAM
Sure can.

MAX
So what happened? Did you ever have
to call the cops on him?

AMY
No. I actually went to court to
defend him. He got arrested for
possession of narcotics and then
they tried to pin him with
resisting arrest and assaulting an
officer, but I saw the whole thing
because it happened right in front
of me.

MAX
So he was trying to fight the cops?

AMY
Not really.

MAX
Then why did they say that he was
resisting arrest?

AMY
Well what happened was that Kenneth
was going over his friends house to
do some drugs that he had just
copped earlier and while we were
driving over - I was in the
passenger seat - a cop pulled him
over for having a broken taillight.
When the cop asked for his license
and registration the car must have
smelled like pot or Kenneth’s
breath must have smelled like
alcohol because he asked him to
step out of the car and put his
hands behind his head so he could
search the car and Kenneth said,
“No way.” Then the cop took his
night stick out and hit Kenneth
right in the stomach and then
proceeded to handcuff him and
search the car, eventually finding
the drugs that Kenneth was afraid
of him finding.

MAX
Wow, that really sucks. So the cop
actually hit Kenneth?

AMY
Yeah. I guess he had it coming to
him. I thought that by being his
girlfriend I’d be able to fix all
his problems for him, but in the
end his problems were just too much
for me to handle.

MAX
It sounds like you did the right
thing by breaking up with him.

SAM
Here’s your sandwich, Amy. You have
enough to drink?

AMY
Yeah, I’ve been trying to drink
slowly so I don’t get too hammered.

SAM
How many drinks have you had?

AMY
Well, let’s see. I drank a couple
of beers while I was playing beer
pong, and then I did a few shots of
Vodka…I guess four or five drinks
at the most?

SAM
That’s nothing. You’ve always been
able to hold your liquor pretty
well for a lady, not like this
lightweight over here who pukes his
brains out whenever he has more
than 2 drinks…

MAX
Hey! That’s not true! I only puked
that one time when I kept going
back and forth between beer and
wine, plus I was smoking pot on top
of it!

SAM
Whatever, lightweight.

AMY
Hey Sam, I was talking to Jimmy
earlier and he started playing some
of your guys’ songs for me. They
sounded really good. You guys
should definitely consider going
into a studio and recording some of
your stuff. And he said that you
guys have a show coming up?

SAM
Yeah, it’s the “Rock Against Bush”
show I was telling you about
earlier.

AMY
That sounds like fun! You have to
let me know when that is.

MAX
Well I’m gonna leave you two
lovebirds alone so I can go outside
and smoke a cigarette. Speaking of
which, Sam, do you think I can bum
one of yours?

SAM
If you weren’t my little brother
and if I didn’t just buy a BOGO in
anticipation of this festival of
fun then you’d be shit out of luck
my friend. Here you go.

MAX
I guess it’s my lucky day! Thanks!

Max walks out of the kitchen, swaggering slightly, being
slightly intoxicated, as the camera pans out to show Amy and
Sam still talking and laughing, and then as the camera pans
back further we see Sam put his arms around Amy’s neck, and
the two of them start kissing.

EXT. SAM PEWTSCHMILLER’S BACK PORCH — NIGHTTIME

There are two floodlights that are motion censored which are
lighting up Sam’s backyard. People are standing around
smoking cigarettes, and the song “Good Times”(I Get High) by
Styles P. is playing on a pair of speakers. Jimmy is
standing with a group of kids who are standing in a cypher
passing around a few blunts and blowing each other shotties.
Michelle is holding a cup of beer and talking to Anthony
Kiedis.

MAX
OK, everyone get out of my way cus
I’ve got to piss like a mother
fucker. Move it!

Max goes over to the side of the yard by the fence so he can
take a piss. Suddenly a bunny rabbit goes hopping towards
the street which startles Max momentarily so that he pisses
on himself just a wee bit. Some people who see this start
laughing and pointing at Max.

MAX
Alright everybody just knock it
off! There’s nothing to see here!
Can’t a guy piss on himself around
here without getting laughed at?
What’s the big fucking deal?

JIMMY
You know, I don’t know if this is
just the weed talking, but standing
out here with you guys I get the
feeling that we all used to be
dinosaurs in a past life or
something.

MIKE
Oh yeah? So what are you saying?
That we each remind you of a
different dinosaur?

JIMMY
Yeah. Like, you, you’d be a T-Rex.

MIKE
A T-Rex, huh? OK, what about Rob-O?

JIMMY
Rob-O would be a Velociraptor.
Everybody in the group starts laughing.

MIKE
OK, tough guy. What about Chris?

JIMMY
Chris would be a Stegosaurus, you
know like the kind with all the
scales on its back.

Everyone in the group starts laughing even more. Chris tries
to look a little hurt at first, but is overcome by laughter
and can’t keep from laughing at himself.

CHRIS
What about Lev?

JIMMY
Lev would be a Brontosaurus.
Everybody starts laughing hysterically.

LEV
So who would you be, Jimmy?

JIMMY
Me? I think I’d be a pterodactyl.

Jimmy starts spreading his arms and waving them up and down
like they’re wings, and making a screeching noise just like
a pterodactyl. Everybody starts laughing uncontrollably.
After the laughter dies down, Anthony walks up to Jimmy and
puts his arm around him so the two can speak privately.

ANTHONY
So, Jimmy… Well, first of all I
just wanted to say that I’m really
glad you sent me that message on
myspace because you guys turned out
to be one hell of a band and this
turned out to be one hell of a
party.

JIMMY
Oh, thanks man. That really means a
lot to me.

ANTHONY
And secondly, I wanted to ask your
permission to start dating
Michelle.

JIMMY
What? Are you crazy? She’s my
girlfriend!

ANTHONY
Well, I’ve been talking with her
and it sounds like the problem with
your relationship is that you’re
not giving her the respect and the
attention that she deserves.

JIMMY
That’s bullshit! That’s a fucking
lie!

ANTHONY
Well, she says that you slapped her
in the face once, you threatened to
choke her in her sleep, and you
kicked her down a flight of stairs.
Is that true?

JIMMY
Yeah, but…

ANTHONY
Ah-hah! Say no more. That’s no way
to treat a lady my friend. This
girl sounds like more trouble than
she’s worth. I’m gonna do you a
favor and take her off your hands
for you.

JIMMY
But…

ANTHONY
And I’m telling you, I’m not asking
you. She says that she’s attracted
to me and that she wants nothing
more to do with you. If I were you
I’d try to make my move on Amy,
that is if Sam’s not already
upstairs with her making a move on
her right now, and I’d stay away
from drugs and alcohol.

Anthony walks away from Jimmy with his arm around Michelle
who turns around and sticks her tongue out at Jimmy.

JIMMY
Isn’t that just a bitch…

THE END

It’s Christmas in New Orleans, but it’s Thanksgiving time right here, man.

So don’t go “spreading some holiday cheer”, or rubbing it in everyone’s face – with a smile from ear to ear.

No one wants to hear ‘bout how it’s snowing down on the bayou.

We just want to sit and eat some turkey, with some gravy, watch some football on TV, read some poetry, sing some songs, but more importantly we want to eat some mashed potatoes and some cranberry sauce.

We could care less about if you’ve been good or bad or if Santa Claus is in fact coming to town.

Because it may be Christmas, in Manhattan, but it’s Thanksgiving time right here, man.

♪ That’s right - I said the snow falls hard in Boston, but the trees they look so bright.  And the weather starts a-changin leaves and leaves throughout the night – but if you want to thank me, for time that’s been well spent – Well you can call up my old landlord, and pay off all my rent! ♪

♪ Oh!  You’re not too far from Cleveland when you know you’ve crossed the line – A policeman pulls you over, and he hands you a big fine.  Well it may be nice in Pittsburgh – but the weather here still sucks.  But I’ll let it snow, cus – “hey, you never know” – you might win a million bucks (play the lotto!) ♪

♪ Well I came here from Ohio, and everybody’s been real nice.  Well they tell me about Schiano – and they tell me about Ray Rice.  Well I’m not much for complaining, but if there’s one thing I can’t stand – It’s that it’s Christmas down in New Orleans, but it’s Thanksgiving time right here, man. ♪

♫ Oh! It’s Christmas down in New Orleans, but it’s Thanksgiving time right here, man.                                

It’s Christmas down in New Orleans, but it’s Thanksgiving time right here, man.                               

IT’S CHRISTMAS DOWN IN NEW ORLEANS, BUT IT’S THANKSGIVING TIME RIGHT HERE, MAN! ♫

So now I hope you know, that I’m not all full of wax.  You can meet me up at Rutgers – in fact meet me at the RAC. 

Because you might not want a song and dance, but if there’s one thing I’ll make clear man – it’s that it’s high times in Saint Petersburg, but it’s Halloween right here man.

That’s right it’s Christmas in New Orleans, but it’s Thanksgiving time right here, man.

Mom, mom, guess what!?!
I’m a star! I made the cut!
Just call me “Mr. Varsity.”
Lacrosse - please, too easy!

And not just ‘cause I’m big and tall,
At practice I really gave it my all.
I was guarding this huge hairy kid,
Who if you saw, you would’ve hid.

But he was all fat, and I am all muscle.
And he takes it easy, when I always hustle.
He’s loud and obnoxious and likes to act tough,
And he’s known on the field for playing too rough.

The ball was loose and I’m fast and I’m smart,
I’m strong and athletic, and have tons of heart.
To get to the ball was my only plan,
Until a loud, deep voice yelled, “MAN!”

And as I look up I am blinded by red,
Which belonged to the jersey of my opponent’s big head.
I fall to the earth sweaty and hot,
And am covered in dirt in more than one spot.

“But pain,” I think, “is just in your mind.”
So I leave my fears and my doubts behind.
I pop right back up, all scratched and bruised,
Even though I had just been abused.

I get the ball back with one, powerful check.
Not even caring that I look like a wreck.
I head towards the goal, I shoot and I score!
Then run back up field, askin for more.

Then the coach said to me, “Welcome aboard!”
He said that I might as well play with a sword.
“Were you always this good?” he asked to me.
“Sorry,” I said.  “I used to be clumsy.”

Mommy, Mommy fix my knee,
I was running happily.
I dropped the small, clear, brand new ball.
And went to chase it down the hall.

I was traveling at my fastest pace,
And heard a sound come from someplace.
It was gentle and soft, but quiet and high-pitched,
So quickly my direction was switched.

But as I tried to turn back ‘round,
My little face soon met the ground.
It did not hurt ‘cause I am brave,
But my clean white shirt I could not save.

My creamy smooth skin now has a hole,
From when I fell and began to roll.
I slowly got up and was feeling alright,
When I spotted a boy who was looking to fight.

I was kind of scared being shorter than he,
And he called me names like, “klutz” and “clumsy.”
I started to run, and cry like nuts.
But mommy, tell me, what is a klutz?

I sat down on the couch with some chocolate milk

But I spilt the milk a bit and it started to drip

Then I dropped a chocolate chip on the place where I sit

I turned around and looked down the brown looked like shit

So I took a sip of the milk and quietly had a fit

Got a sponge to wash it out with some soap and water

When in walked my daughter with some guy named Roger

So I decided not to bother with the soap and water

She said she had to talk to me – cus I’m her father

Even if her mamma raised her I was the one that taught her

Went down to the beach to try and stretch my feet

A seagull swooped down to steal a piece of meat

I tried to beat him with my fleece but he was out of reach

He flew off with a screech once I called the police

He was as light as a sheet and as white as bleach

A…and this might come as a bit of a shock

Went for a walk in the park and a beanstalk

Brushed against the tip of my cock – It was as hard as a rock

Played hopscotch in the dark with a piece of chalk

Then I walked around the block and tried to rub it off

I was watching a DVD but I had to pause it

I had to run to the bank to make a big deposit

I think a friend of mine is gay but he’s in the closet

Either way it’s safe to say that he’s an alcoholic

He’s got no sense in his head and nothing in his wallet

The Giants are looking good this year

They beat the Cowboys and the Dolphins and they played without fear

They got a driver who can steer and cheerleaders who can cheer

I think their day under the sun is finally here

Eli Manning will be tanning or at least so I hear

Now-a-days people are crazy about them hi-tech phones

Load up on gizmos and gadgets before you leave the home

Blackberries, raspberries, blue-tooth headsets

Androids, hemorrhoids, TV’s in the headrests

Tripods, iPods, iPads and tampons

GPS, EZ-Pass and other things you stamp on

Trombones, tom-toms, satellites & snow cones

iPhones, touch screens & other kinds of smart phones

I think some young punks are trying to play a joke one me

They ring my doorbell late at night and then they turn around and flee

If you want to know the truth I think they’re stalking me

They even peak over the stalls when I try to take a pee

I get prank calls on the phone and I’m too scared to drink my tea –

Just in case one of them tries to poison me!

Being a born again Christian just feels so lame

I try to pray to my God but it just isn’t the same

Everybody turns to you when they need somebody to blame

I’m not a prophet or a poet or a preacher or a brain

I’m just a man on the move and a picture in a frame

Bobby Dylan is my name and making music is my game

Your boobs are like two melons

Only soft and squishy and round

And when I see your boobs pop out

It really is profound…

Your boobs seem rather playful

Always bouncing up and down

I’d love to squeeze and suck them

And really go to town

I’d love to see your nipples

Like tiny baseball bats

I’d love to tweak and lick them

And other lascivious acts

Your boobs are huge protrusions

Like two hot air balloons

Your boobs they make my dick swell up

Like the butts of girl baboons

Your breasts are creamy milky white

I love those mammary glands

They’re good for feeding babies

And touching with my hands

Your boobs they go by many names

Though one thing is for sure…

You’ve got to do your BSE’s

Until they find a cure

Honkers, hooters, Headlights,

high beams, Hubcaps, hams

Ta-ta’s, titties, Windshield Wipers,

pillows, Tits and cans

Boobs, breasts, Boobies, jugs, Put em on the glass…

The Girls, the twins, or Sweater Puppies

It’s all about Tits and Ass

Knockers, air bags, Double D’s,

The Guns of Navarone

gazongas, Bongas, dingleboppers

Mama I’m coming home!

Melons, grapefruits, Cantaloupes

Bosoms or Ba-zooms

Bazoombas, Bijongas, pantyhose Jambas

I want inside your pantaloons…

You can say “Dude, check out that rack”

Or “Stealing second base”

But if you travel with God’s Milk Bottles

You know you will be safe

They’re always good for decoration

Hood ornaments and such

They can be used as bongo drums

Or a place to rest your nuts

They can be used as pillows,

Cushions and the like

And if you need a flotation device

Those boobs will save your life

They come in all different shapes and sizes

But it’s YOUR BOOBS I like best

Girl I met on OK Cupid

I’m obsessed with your chest

You’ve got enormous assets

Stacked right beneath your bra

And when you show some cleavage

You make them “ooh” and “ah”

Thank God for Mother Nature

And the force of gravity

Thank God you are a hearty girl

And that you’re friends with me

Your boobs are used in foreplay

A very good place to start

No wonder that your boobs are found

So closely to your heart

And when your Dogs start barking

Then give those Girls a rest

And if you’ve got something to say

Then get it off your chest

Don’t keep your boobs so shackled up

Under a lock and key

Before they start a prison break

Just let those boobs roam free

They don’t like being crowded up

Behind that tight brazier

They’re smooshed and crammed in like sardines

So let them get some air

I promise I won’t tell no one

Your secret’s safe with me

And even if you paid me off

I’d still do it for free

I know how much you love your boobs

How much they get you off

I know that you’re a horny girl

Who cannot get enough

You know how much I love your boobs

How much they turn me on

I know you love to touch yourself

And make your body cum

You’d like me to caress them

You’re a naughty girl for sure

You’d like to take off all your clothes

And throw them on the floor

You’d like to let them flop around

And smack me in the face

You’d like for me to wash them clean

Then find out how they taste

You’d like for me to stroke my cock

And cum right on your chest

Or slowly peel your panties off

And slide my dick between your breasts

Your boobs are quite remarkable

Though I’ve never seen your mound

I’d love to grab two handfuls full

While your pussy takes a pound, pound, pound…