INT. SAM PEWTSCHMILLER’S BEDROOM — DAYTIME
It is summer. Anthony Kiedis, Sam Pewtschmiller, Jimmy
Zucchini, and Max Pewtschmiller are sitting in Sam’s Bedroom
smoking pot and drinking beer, listening to a mix CD Sam
made with “Hey Joe” on it. Currently “Hey Joe” is playing.
Can you turn up the track a little
I love smoking pot.
I love smoking weed.
This is a sausage fest.
What are we doing here? We should
be out rocking the world and
spreading our message of love and
We’re too busy getting stoned.
Can’t you see that?
Speak for yourself…Drugs and
alcohol are nothing but a dead end
road that leads to a downward
spiral of death and destruction,
and that sort of thing’s not my
bag, baby. You’re all like, “Judas
Priest, Iron Maiden, and Def
Leppard, yeah, Slayer, rock on…”
and I’m over here saying “Yes, but
what about Jimi Hendrix, Pink Floyd
and the Grateful Dead…”
I think you confuse my wanting to
get high with wanting other people
We need to get some groupie bitches
over here so we can get laid.
I’m all for that. But no chicks
that are addicted to coke, crack,
heroin, or crystal meth.
Do you guys know what makes this
moment different from every other
moment that has already gone by in
our fleeting lives?
You guys are wrong. What makes this
moment different is that it’s
happening right now. We’re in the
present. And with each passing
second the present slips into the
past and the future slips into the
present. Don’t you guys want to
feel like you’re alive?
So what do you propose we do,
We throw a party.
A party? That’s your deep,
philosophical answer to how we’re
supposed to feel alive?
A party is the perfect setting for
life to unfold in front of you like
a piece of poetry…
This is coming from the guy who
wrote the song “Party on Your
Pussy” on the album “Uplift Mofo
Party Plan.” I can’t say that I’m
C’mon, guys… What do you say?
It’ll be fun…
I think a party sounds like a
pretty good idea, actually.
Of course you’d say that, Jimmy,
it’s not your ass that’s on the
line here. Max and I risk getting
our asses beat if our parents find
out about it.
Yeah right, Sam. You and I both
know that your parents will never
find out about it since they’ll be
gone for the entire week, and even
if they did, you know that they’d
never get that mad about it. I mean
do you actually think they expect
us to behave like church mice while
they’re away? We’re STUN SEED CUS
for crying out loud! It’s
understood that we’re gonna throw a
I don’t know, the last time we had
a few people over Mom and Dad got
pretty pissed. And that was just a
few people, not even a real party.
Why can’t we throw a party at your
Are you kidding me? You know my Mom
is ten times more strict than your
parents. Plus I doubt she’s even
planning on leaving the house
anytime soon unless it’s to go to
the supermarket to pick up some
Alright, fine, we’ll do it.
On one condition…
Whatever you say man. Name your
You and Max gotta help me clean up
before my Mom and Dad get home on
No problem, man. You got it.
Alright! This is going to be
bitchin. Make sure you guys call up
a bunch of high school girls so I
can get some underage poontang.
That shouldn’t be too hard for you
either, Anthony. All you’d have to
do is sing a verse from “Under the
Bridge” and they’ll probably start
cumming in their pants.
Yeah. I know that’s what happens to
me every time I hear you sing that
Is that so…
This is going to be awesome! After
tonight, I don’t see any reason why
we won’t all be able to score some
Let’s do this.
Consider it done.
INT. SAM PEWTSCHMILLER’S LIVING ROOM — NIGHTTIME
The party is in full-fledge. There’s rap music playing, kids
are smoking pot, there are balloons floating on the ceiling,
there’s a keg in the corner of the room, and a few tables
set up for beer pong and flip-cup. Everyone is talking so
that there is a general buzz or hum to the room, so that you
almost have to shout in order to be heard. A few kids are
snorting lines of coke on the coffee table, and other kids
are outside hot-boxing their cars. Jimmy Zucchini is sitting
next to Amy Drury with an acoustic guitar next to him,
having a very pleasant conversation.
So how did you guys get Anthony
Kiedis to come here?
I just sent him a message on
myspace and asked him if he’d come
jam out with our band, to help give
us some direction and some pointers
and stuff, and sure enough he sent
me a message not too long after
saying he’d be in town for a few
weeks and that he’d love to come
hang out with us for a few days.
Wow! That’s so cool! He sounds like
a really cool guy.
He’s the best. It was his idea for
us to throw this party.
That’s so cool. So what kind of
advice has he given your band so
Well, basically he thinks that we
should stay away from drugs and
alcohol, but ironically he seems to
be all for throwing a party in the
hopes that other people will come
and get wasted and he’ll be able to
live through them vicariously. He’s
really into Buddhism and Hindu
forms of meditation.
I see. So that’s why you’re not
drinking tonight or getting high
with the rest of these party
You got it.
But what about Sam?
Jimmy and Amy both look in Sam’s direction to see him
without a shirt on, doing a keg stand while a bunch of
people stand by cheering him on and chanting his name.
Well, Sam’s sort of…well…Sam.
It’s going to take more than just
advice from Anthony Kiedis to get
him to stop drinking. Plus it’s
kind of his role to play the crazy
bass player. As the lead vocalist
and lead guitarist it’s more of my
role to be the well-balanced, down
to earth front man. I write all the
songs and coordinate and organize
most of our gigs, so it makes sense
for me to stay sober.
Wow. I never realized how dedicated
you are to your craft. That’s a
really interesting approach to rock
’n’ roll. So… are you gonna play
me a song on that thing or am I
gonna have to keep complimenting
you all night until I can finally
hear some real music?
Is that the beer talking or is that
really you asking me to play?
Drunken words are sober thoughts.
Touché. Well, alright, since you
asked nicely and you complimented
my dedication to my craft I suppose
I owe you a song or two.
That’s an understatement.
OK. (starts strumming some chords)
This song I wrote with a couple of
friends of mine when we were
sitting around drinking some beers.
It’s called “The Mayo Song.”
(sings) “I used to do coke, but
then I was broke, and I was a joke,
so now I just smoke. I used to do
blow, till I had no dough, and out
went my ho, right out the door. So
hey yo, say no way to yayo, hey yo,
I’d rather sniff mayonnaise. Cus
mayo is white like yayo, but you
don’t get stuck with the
mayonnaise. Hey yo say no way to
yayo, hell no, I’d rather sniff
mayonnaise. It’ll get you blazed.
In a purple haze. For days, and
days, and days, and days, and days
and days and days. Like a bag of
(claps) That was awesome! That was
You ain’t seen nothin yet. You
wanna hear one more?
OK, get ready, cus this one’s a
little bit more hardcore than that.
It’s a rap I wrote in creative
writing called “Ode to Columbine.”
(starts playing the guitar) And it
goes a little something like
this…”So kid walks down the
hallway/Gets mad because he’s
called “gay”/Then thinks to
himself, “One day, I’ll make them
all pay!”/He’s pissed off/his
dick’s soft/He’s feelin suicidal/
His dad says, “Stop acting like a
bitch and take some Midol.”/
He cried all/night long/and made
himself a hit-list/A fucked up
wish-list/but it ain’t for
Christmas/So this bitch/goes
downstairs to open the cellar/
Finds a gun by some nails and a
broken propeller/But let me tell ya
bout this fella/You can’t
understand/all the power that he
feels with the gun inside his hand/
And his man always tells him that
he has to take a stand/So he makes
himself a plan/as he’s sittin on
the can/He thinks, “Damn man/if
only I was cool/I wouldn’t have to
be the laughing stock of the
school./But I wonder, would I be
still be very funny/when I get
inside the school and fuckin kill
everybody!?!?!”/And his buddy says,
"OK, I’ll do it with you, too./
Nobody likes me, and I don’t know
what to do./I wanna kill myself but
first let’s have some fun./We’ll
each build a couple of bombs and
bring a gun.”/”Aright friend, let’s
get crazy and get our hype on/
We’ll find a website on/how to
build a pipe-bomb./Warn all your
friends, tell your brother not to
show up/unless they wanna come and
see this mother fucker blow up!”
Wow! That was amazing! You’ve got
some real talent there! I actually
got the chills when you said that
Keep in mind I’m not advocating the
No, I think I got that.
I’m merely telling the story of
what happened as seen through the
eyes of the killers.
What a cool idea. I think you guys
should record it and get it played
on the radio.
Well I don’t know that they’d go
for such a blatantly violent song
what with the curses and all, but
I’m really glad that you liked it.
I’ll talk to the guys, I mean who
knows, maybe we can record it and
turn it into an indie hit or
something, like an underground
You gonna play me another one?
I’d better save my voice for the
show we’re doing next week. You
Sure, I’d love to! Just tell me
when and where and I’m there!
No problem. I’ll make sure to send
you an e-mail with all the
information. You’re gonna be blown
away when you hear how good it
sounds with the full band backing
me up. We have this one song
called, “Cus Against Them,” I think
you’d really like it.
What’s the name of your band?
STUN SEED CUS.
STUN SEED CUS? What the heck does
It’s just something that me and Sam
came up with. It turns into “SUC
DEES NUTS” when you spell it
I’m gonna go get some more beer.
Stay right here I wanna hear more
about your band when I get back.
Amy gets up from the couch and starts walking away, as soon
as she’s out of sight Anthony Kiedis comes and sits down
next to Jimmy.
I see you were talking to Amy…
She’s a really pretty girl you
Well I don’t know what your
situation with your girl is like…
You do have a girlfriend, don’t
Yeah. Her name is Michelle.
OK. Well I don’t know what your
situation with Michelle is like,
but if I were you, I wouldn’t let a
girl like Amy slip through my
fingers or slide through my hands,
you catch my drift?
I think I know what you’re saying.
I get the feeling that no matter
what I say to you right now it’s
just gonna go right into one ear
and out of the other.
Why do you say that?
Because Sam tells me that you’re
really into this girl Michelle and
that you let her treat you like
crap. Is that true?
Well, I wouldn’t put it like that
Do you love Michelle or do you just
love having sex with her?
I love her.
You say that like you’re unsure. If
you have to hesitate before you
answer than that means that the
answer is “No.” Listen kiddo, take
it from me. I’ve been in all kinds
of relationships with all kinds of
girls and if what I’m hearing from
Sam is the truth than this girl
Michelle is really not for you.
What does your heart tell you?
I don’t know. I think I’m scared of
change or at least what might
happen if I break up with Michelle
and then Amy just wants to be
friends with me.
Well, you have to do what’s right
for you. I’m not gonna twist your
arm and tell you you should dump
your girlfriend, but if there’s
some words of wisdom I can impart
to you coming from years of
experience in dealing with women,
it’s what Flea said the Butthole
Surfers said on the album “One Hot
Minute.” “It’s better to regret
something you did than something
you didn’t do.”
Wow. Thanks, Anthony. You’ve given
me a lot to think about.
No problem, kiddo. You’ll figure it
out. Just follow your heart. Now I
gotta go find me some poontang.
Just then Amy sits back down with a red plastic cup full of
Were you just talking to Anthony
Yeah, he just gave me some really
What was that?
Well, he said…
Just then Michelle enters the room and spots Jimmy talking
to Amy. Jimmy notices her immediately and gets up from the
couch to give her a hug.
Michelle! Glad you could make it! I
was just talking to Amy about…
Um, Jimmy… Can I talk to you over
here for a minute please?
Sure, babe. What’s up?
What are you doing talking to that
slut? I thought I told you I don’t
like you talking to her!
But babe, I told you, Amy and I are
Just promise me that you won’t talk
to her for the rest of the night
unless I’m sitting next to you.
But babe, I don’t really think
Promise me or else you and I are
OK, calm down. I promise. You know
how much I love you, don’t you,
Just as long as you don’t talk to
Fine. Oh, babe I’m so glad you’re
finally here! You gotta come with
me. I want to introduce you to
Stan and Brendan, two captains on the varsity
lacrosse team, are standing around the keg drinking some
beer, obviously a little smashed, but still talking
logically, sensibly, rationally, none-the-less.
I don’t get it man, don’t you get
tired of having sex with the same
girl every time?
No way man. That’s like saying,
"Don’t you get tired of smoking
weed all the time…”
But that’s where you’re wrong,
buddy. There’s all different kinds
of weed out there. There’s
blueberry chronic, raspberry
chronic, purple haze, white widow,
chocolate, not to mention headies,
middies, and just plain ’ole kind
That’s why there’s different
INT. SAM PEWTSCHMILLER’S KITCHEN — NIGHTTIME
A bunch of people are in the kitchen talking and drinking
beer out of plastic cups, including one couple that’s
standing in the corner making out, and Sam’s two cats
Captain Jack and Sid Vicious who are making a pretty big
mess knocking over their bowls of food and water.
Damn, I got the munchies like a
mother fucker! Anyone seen Jimmy?
I think I saw him going outside
with Michelle. I think he was
looking for Anthony.
Michelle’s here? Who the hell
Who the hell do you think?
Amy enters the kitchen.
Hey Sam, I just wanted to say
thanks for inviting me. This is a
really great party.
No problem. You want something to
eat? I was just about to make
myself a sandwich.
Sure, that sounds great.
So how are things with you and your
You mean Kenneth? Kenneth and I
Why? Weren’t you guys going out for
Yeah, we dated on and off for like
two years. Things just got really
out of control. He was into
hardcore drugs like heroin and
crystal meth, and he actually hit
me a couple of times.
Hey Amy, do you want mustard or
mayo on your sandwich?
Can you do mustard on one half and
mayo on the other?
So what happened? Did you ever have
to call the cops on him?
No. I actually went to court to
defend him. He got arrested for
possession of narcotics and then
they tried to pin him with
resisting arrest and assaulting an
officer, but I saw the whole thing
because it happened right in front
So he was trying to fight the cops?
Then why did they say that he was
Well what happened was that Kenneth
was going over his friends house to
do some drugs that he had just
copped earlier and while we were
driving over - I was in the
passenger seat - a cop pulled him
over for having a broken taillight.
When the cop asked for his license
and registration the car must have
smelled like pot or Kenneth’s
breath must have smelled like
alcohol because he asked him to
step out of the car and put his
hands behind his head so he could
search the car and Kenneth said,
"No way." Then the cop took his
night stick out and hit Kenneth
right in the stomach and then
proceeded to handcuff him and
search the car, eventually finding
the drugs that Kenneth was afraid
of him finding.
Wow, that really sucks. So the cop
actually hit Kenneth?
Yeah. I guess he had it coming to
him. I thought that by being his
girlfriend I’d be able to fix all
his problems for him, but in the
end his problems were just too much
for me to handle.
It sounds like you did the right
thing by breaking up with him.
Here’s your sandwich, Amy. You have
enough to drink?
Yeah, I’ve been trying to drink
slowly so I don’t get too hammered.
How many drinks have you had?
Well, let’s see. I drank a couple
of beers while I was playing beer
pong, and then I did a few shots of
Vodka…I guess four or five drinks
at the most?
That’s nothing. You’ve always been
able to hold your liquor pretty
well for a lady, not like this
lightweight over here who pukes his
brains out whenever he has more
than 2 drinks…
Hey! That’s not true! I only puked
that one time when I kept going
back and forth between beer and
wine, plus I was smoking pot on top
Hey Sam, I was talking to Jimmy
earlier and he started playing some
of your guys’ songs for me. They
sounded really good. You guys
should definitely consider going
into a studio and recording some of
your stuff. And he said that you
guys have a show coming up?
Yeah, it’s the “Rock Against Bush”
show I was telling you about
That sounds like fun! You have to
let me know when that is.
Well I’m gonna leave you two
lovebirds alone so I can go outside
and smoke a cigarette. Speaking of
which, Sam, do you think I can bum
one of yours?
If you weren’t my little brother
and if I didn’t just buy a BOGO in
anticipation of this festival of
fun then you’d be shit out of luck
my friend. Here you go.
I guess it’s my lucky day! Thanks!
Max walks out of the kitchen, swaggering slightly, being
slightly intoxicated, as the camera pans out to show Amy and
Sam still talking and laughing, and then as the camera pans
back further we see Sam put his arms around Amy’s neck, and
the two of them start kissing.
EXT. SAM PEWTSCHMILLER’S BACK PORCH — NIGHTTIME
There are two floodlights that are motion censored which are
lighting up Sam’s backyard. People are standing around
smoking cigarettes, and the song “Good Times”(I Get High) by
Styles P. is playing on a pair of speakers. Jimmy is
standing with a group of kids who are standing in a cypher
passing around a few blunts and blowing each other shotties.
Michelle is holding a cup of beer and talking to Anthony
OK, everyone get out of my way cus
I’ve got to piss like a mother
fucker. Move it!
Max goes over to the side of the yard by the fence so he can
take a piss. Suddenly a bunny rabbit goes hopping towards
the street which startles Max momentarily so that he pisses
on himself just a wee bit. Some people who see this start
laughing and pointing at Max.
Alright everybody just knock it
off! There’s nothing to see here!
Can’t a guy piss on himself around
here without getting laughed at?
What’s the big fucking deal?
You know, I don’t know if this is
just the weed talking, but standing
out here with you guys I get the
feeling that we all used to be
dinosaurs in a past life or
Oh yeah? So what are you saying?
That we each remind you of a
Yeah. Like, you, you’d be a T-Rex.
A T-Rex, huh? OK, what about Rob-O?
Rob-O would be a Velociraptor.
Everybody in the group starts laughing.
OK, tough guy. What about Chris?
Chris would be a Stegosaurus, you
know like the kind with all the
scales on its back.
Everyone in the group starts laughing even more. Chris tries
to look a little hurt at first, but is overcome by laughter
and can’t keep from laughing at himself.
What about Lev?
Lev would be a Brontosaurus.
Everybody starts laughing hysterically.
So who would you be, Jimmy?
Me? I think I’d be a pterodactyl.
Jimmy starts spreading his arms and waving them up and down
like they’re wings, and making a screeching noise just like
a pterodactyl. Everybody starts laughing uncontrollably.
After the laughter dies down, Anthony walks up to Jimmy and
puts his arm around him so the two can speak privately.
So, Jimmy… Well, first of all I
just wanted to say that I’m really
glad you sent me that message on
myspace because you guys turned out
to be one hell of a band and this
turned out to be one hell of a
Oh, thanks man. That really means a
lot to me.
And secondly, I wanted to ask your
permission to start dating
What? Are you crazy? She’s my
Well, I’ve been talking with her
and it sounds like the problem with
your relationship is that you’re
not giving her the respect and the
attention that she deserves.
That’s bullshit! That’s a fucking
Well, she says that you slapped her
in the face once, you threatened to
choke her in her sleep, and you
kicked her down a flight of stairs.
Is that true?
Ah-hah! Say no more. That’s no way
to treat a lady my friend. This
girl sounds like more trouble than
she’s worth. I’m gonna do you a
favor and take her off your hands
And I’m telling you, I’m not asking
you. She says that she’s attracted
to me and that she wants nothing
more to do with you. If I were you
I’d try to make my move on Amy,
that is if Sam’s not already
upstairs with her making a move on
her right now, and I’d stay away
from drugs and alcohol.
Anthony walks away from Jimmy with his arm around Michelle
who turns around and sticks her tongue out at Jimmy.
Isn’t that just a bitch…